You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
