Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The Olympian is in my bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
