you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize