piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize