you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
