I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
