I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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