May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
