I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize