and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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