awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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