i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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