i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My ass is underappreciated
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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