Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
