So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You are a genius and a whore.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
