im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
