You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My bed smells like the plague
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