foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize