boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
