Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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