the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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