loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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