Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Randomize
