I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
