he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
