oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
