I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
