you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
