weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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