Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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