he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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