I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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