My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
