who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
