i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize