I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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