textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
