Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
