Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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