I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
