You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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