I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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