Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
