Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
