the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drake has all the answers
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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