the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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