she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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