mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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