Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
