Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
