You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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