I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
