I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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