So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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