apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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