I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
