No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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