So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize