A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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