You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
