What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
