If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize